I called it my wish weekend, because it truly was about a hearts desire to spend quality time with people I love. So often our lives keep us moving in directions that don’t allow for deep connection. This weekend was about closing off that part of our lives and just staying in one place. A place to reflect, rejoice, and relax.

We were surrounded by orange and pink pretties as we shared intimate and binding moments, laughter, and tons and tons of food. My heart is still full of all of the joy!

To each of my special ladies that blessed my weekend, I say “Thank You”. Thank you for coming, thank you for always being there, thank you for your support, thank you for your love, thank you for filling me up, thank you for holding the space, thank you for traveling with me, and thank you for being the most wonderful you!

A glimpse into our wish weekend….

Tonight was a big step for our family, it was the beginning of Rachel’s high school days. We began the journey into an exciting chapter in her life. I am so happy for her and excited for this journey, but at the same time I am so sad that I missed all of the years in between. Now I know that I didn’t actually miss them, but not remembering them is like I wasn’t there.

For me she is the age in the photo above. A sweet 5 year old getting ready to start Kindergarten. Yet here we are, she is almost 14, and high school is just a few months away.

Tonight was amazing, her high school is beyond fabulous. So many opportunities, so many choices, so many decisions. Though, in the back of my mind I was seeing the face above and wishing I could have just a couple more years of finger painting, squeeze hugs, and dress-up.

The memory loss has had me on a roller coaster for the past 6 months. But for the most part I have been able to roll with it, take the bad and make the most out of the good. But this, losing 8 years of Rachel’s life, there is no good in that. No “hey, look at the bright side”. This part of the loss is devastating. It leaves me angry and frustrated.

But losing the last 8 years will not keep me from living. It won’t keep me from enjoying the next four. Without a doubt, I am going to make the most of these high school years.

We are going to….Build memories. Have fun. Work hard. Celebrate big. Enjoy life. Laugh out loud. Dance to the music. I am going to photograph every moment and never miss a chance to write about the whole amazing experience.

Look out Lincoln, here we come!!!

A man who makes me smile every day
A man who has been there every step of the way
A man who celebrates life
A man who encourages me to dream big
A man who brings joy to my life
A man who knows the real me
A man I adore

Happy Anniversary, my love!

The adventure started with a trip to the jewelry section of the craft store. This was a first for the “new” me, I had never spent time in the beading/jewelry aisles. So many delightful bits and baubles. Liz and I tend to feed off the energy and excitement of one another and before we knew it, we had gathered enough goodies for a shop full of pieces.

As the adrenaline slowed and our breathing returned to normal we were able to focus and decided on the pendant and chain shown above. Liz and I both have a love of metal and had originally planned to get pieces that we could metal punch, but when we saw the “porthole” piece, we changed our minds and went with something that we could change up if we felt like it.

The “porthole” opens and allows you to swap new images/words inside. This way, if I want to change the colors or change the word (for future years) I just punch out a new circle and place it inside. Love the flexibility and lack of commitment!!!You can see Liz’s piece here.

I haven’t planned a birthday party for myself since I was 12. My friend Cami and I planned a dual 13th birthday party. It was the 80′s, so it was all about big hair blue eyeshadow and there may have been some lip syncing to 80′s rock as well. Good times!

Fast forward a few years (just a couple really) and I am giddy excited about another birthday celebration. This one will be a little different than my 13th. Planning to skip the big hair, blue eyeshadow, and lip syncing and go with a pink and orange extravaganza. This one will also be a whole weekend of celebration, relaxation, food, and a little creative time.

After a few days of research (thanks Pinterest and Google) I have found a few musts. Going to have one of these…

Wish Tree from Here Comes the Guide

How cool is that, I wishing tree. They meant it for a wedding, but I believe it is something that should be around all of the time. In fact, I might have to bring my wish tree home to stay.

These will be made out of paper, print fabric, and mixed-media canvas…

Orange and Pink Banner from StarlitNestGifts

Some sweets to keep us going…

Pink and Orange Candy Bar by Love from the Oven

Possibly a few paper flowers from Save On Crafts…

My favorite find so far are these gorgeous bouquets. The colors simply make me weak in the knees.

Flowers by DK Designs

Four weeks left to bring all of the pink and orange dreams into reality! A very Happy Birthday indeed! You can see more of my birthday ideas/inspiration here.

I know that it appears that I have been strong and capable over the last 4 1/2 months.
I know that it seems like I have stood strong against the loss of 8 years
I know that I am very good at pretending
Because this week….I know that I haven’t even begun the journey back from this loss

The deep pain and sorrow have taken hold and for now I need to let them wash through me. I have moved through life, done the things that needed to be done, learned the things that needed to be learned, said the things that needed to be said. Now I need to mourn for those hundreds of moments that are lost deep in the craziness of my head.

I have tried to avoid asking “why”. At this time, there is no medical explanation “why”. There is no answer to the question “why”. Still I wonder if…

• Knowing “why” will help me get through today?
• Knowing “why” will make the memories come back?
• Knowing “why” will prevent it from happening again?

There are no clear answers to the questions above. So I stand in what I know.

I know that I need to let myself have bad days
I know that reading old blog posts helps me connect to my former life
I know that writing truthful and real blog posts will help me today
I know that I need to laugh everyday (check out these videos Simon’s Cat)
I know that I need to spend time in my studio everyday, even if it is just to touch the canvas and hold the paints
I know that I can’t have the same life I had 5 months ago, I need to give myself time to find a new one
I know that my path is not easy
I know that I feel stronger when I take the time to breathe
I know that right now I have to remind myself to breathe
I know that I will find a way to enjoy life again, until then, I know that my bed is super comfy

It is time to move forward and start a new chapter. This year it is going to be Project Life by Becky Higgins. Such a beautifully simple design with endless possibilities, thanks Becky!
 My approach:

• Keep it simple by using all Design A Photo Pocket Pages
• Have a designated area to keep my book and all of the supplies (shown above). I chose a place that is in the heart of the home, but not right on top of our daily living. I also chose to have our One Little Words in this space. As we add images and stories to our book I want to remember the words that each of us chose to take with us through 2012.
• Keep notes as the days unfold. I won’t always be close to my book and journal cards, so I have a note app on my iPhone that I am using to capture the details of life as they unfold.
• Use Aperture to organize my photos. To keep the process simple, I will sort through my photos as I upload and organize into an edit, print, or complete folder.
• Focus on the capture of stories, photos, and ephemera not on the decorations and embellishments.
• Keep rules away. I am not going to set expectations on what I have to capture every week. I am just going to go with the flow and let it all come together.
• Have fun and enjoy the whole process, I have been looking forward to this project!

I am not a fan of rules, so I won’t have a set schedule, but I will share images and insights of my Project Life throughout 2012.

Now that 2012 is moments away, it is time to say goodbye to Savor and hello to my new word…

Images via Leo Reynolds

I want 2012 to be more than just celebrating where I am at. I want to go to new places, try new things. I want to be brave, bold, and not afraid to get out there. I want to leave behind the baggage of the lost memories and reach for things that are in this moment all mine. I want to say hello to the new Jackie and not worry about what the old Jackie would do. I want to explore. I want to learn. I want to discover. I want to REACH.

Elden and Rachel are joining me on this word journey. They have each chosen their own words for 2012 and as a family we will be keeping our words active in our lives.

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Ali Edwards began the path with One Little Word several years ago. She now teaches a year long class to help keep your word active in your life.

YES!! This is it, this is exactly what I have been feeling, but didn’t have words to describe. Reading these nineteen words has changed how I see my life after memory loss. It is a part of me and it does limit, but it also opens me up to truly accept a phrase I have been writing in my journals for years….

“Enjoy the journey, Jackie”

For me, life is about the journey. It has to be. The destination may never be reached and if it is reached, I may have to reach it again years later. So if I only live for or focus on my destinations the memory loss will win and I will become a shadow of a person (there are days when this has happened, I call them the dark days, I don’t want to live there).

But I am blessed to be given an opportunity to seek a new journey, follow a new path.

So many times we set out on a path and after awhile we realize this may not be the right way, but turning around and starting over seems so daunting that we keep moving forward. For me the “turning around” decision is taken away and I am just given a new path, that is my truth. For this I am thankful, this is my gift in all of the darkness.

I don’t know where my current path will lead, I am not looking that far ahead. Right now I am enjoying that my path is set in beautiful fall colors with joyful souls surrounding me.